July 2009

This month has been one of personal trials for me and new lessons learned and old lessons relearned.

It all started with Austin leaving. The first week of the three weeks he was gone was difficult for me to adjust to. It threw my schedule off. Monday through Friday, every night, he has either Scouts or Taekwondo. Abruptly I didn't have to rush home from work, pick up Sam, make dinner in the amount of time available for Austin to eat before he had to be at his respective place, take him to that place, come home and get Sam ready for bed. Obviously this entire process is something Isik and I do together, but the rush rush rush was no longer required. Instead, I'd pick up Sam and we'd come home, play outside until about 8:00, end up eating around 9 (and I rarely cooked anything) and Sam would get to bed around 10. One night Isik and I were talking about the emptiness Austin's absence created and Isik said, "Now I kind of understand the empty-nest syndrome." Even though Sam was still here, we didn't have the hectic schedule of the teenager to keep us on track. I missed talking to Austin, I missed knowing he was in his room listening to his iPod, or playing video games, or was at Taekwondo sparring. I missed having him home. Finally, after 3 weeks and 2 days I watched him come down the escalators at the airport and I couldn't help it, I started crying. I was so excited to be able to hug him and kiss his cheek, and thankfully he let me.

He had an incredible time. He really made some great friends. He matured a lot in those 3 weeks (and I think he grew about 6 inches too). We took the opportunity to create some new rules in the house, such as no video games on the weekends as long as the sun is shining (he already doesn't play them during the week), house hold responsibilities, etc. I missed him and I was giddy having him back home. He was only home for 2 full days and then he left again for a week to Scout Camp. Basically, the entire month of July, Austin has been growing up without me. I am so proud of the responsibility he has shown, his level of maturity, and I am so grateful that he is able to think freely for himself and make good decisions.

Mid July we finally found a business that we wanted to buy. I deal with acquisitions of small businesses every day. Everyday I look at tax returns, financial statements, and all the various other elements of small businesses for sale and lend these people money. Isik and I have been looking for a well established, profitable, small business that was reasonably priced for sale. A business, that with our various skills and abilities, we could operate and make successful. We finally found it. It was truly the perfect business for our family. Unfortunately, because of SBA rules we couldn't get the loan we needed through my bank, because I'm an officer of the bank. We had about two days to come up with a way to raise the money and were not successful and they accepted an offer from another party. I'm angry, really angry, still to this day, that we missed out on this opportunity. It would have been a positive move for our entire family.

Isik was laid off work on July 27th. I am actually relieved that he does not have to go there and take the daily discrimination, harassment, and public beratement. There are many mormons I love dearly and those that I deal with daily and have nothing but respect for, because in turn they respect me and they don't care what my beliefs are. (Key words "don't care what my beliefs are.") But there are those who are the biggest offenders of all. People who claim to be religious, going to church, holding positions in their church, then proceed to treat people like they are a piece of property, disgust me! I really have reached my boiling point with those Mormons that are so arrogant and live in their little bubble and actually think it is okay to shove their religious beliefs down other peoples throats. Really, why do I have to be subjected to this? Why does my husband have to be subjected to this? Thank the universe I don't have this to deal with on a daily basis at my job. However, I come home and it is happening everywhere. I'm standing out front and people think they have an open invitation to just interrupt what I'm doing and start quizzing me, really? Who are they to quiz me? Then they tell me to pray about it. Who would I pray to? your god? I don't believe in your god! They are so arrogant to think that people have to belong to their church to be happy. Guess what, I'm happy with my beliefs, as happy as you are with yours. Keep your beliefs in your little bubble and quit imposing them on me and my family and everyone else that has not invited you to do so! I don't walk around imposing my beliefs on others, why is it okay for them to impose theirs? It happens all the time and I'm amazed that they actually really believe it is okay to do this.

Repeatedly this month I have been reminded that my husband is truly the person above all that I can rely on. He is my lover, my best friend, my sounding board, my external thought process and conscience, and he helps me get back to reality when I get so frustrated, which was a lot in July. I've learned once again that I have to be true to myself, first and foremost. I can't always be a pleaser and try to make everyone happy, it's just not possible and emotionally it is too draining on me. Once again, I'm reminded to pull back and focus on me and my husband and two incredible boys.